“Mom Support” | How I get the support I need from my Husband

There was a season in my life as a mom, when I expected my husband to just “get it”. I expected him to look at me and our child, access the situation, and find ways to show up and support me. Like we’re both parents, tap into that daddy intuition, and let’s go!

But that’s not what was happening at all.

He would see me, see the situation, but wouldn’t do what I expected him to do. I was completely frustrated. Like why aren’t you HELPING ME! Can’t you see how much is on my plate right now? Can’t you see I need you?

Now don’t get me wrong, my husband is amazing, and he has stepped up in sooo many ways. This man loves being a dad, loves his daughter and would do anything for the both of us. I just knew that what he did didn’t always match up with what I needed in the moment.

So one fine day, while calmly expressing my frustration and how I felt “like he wasn’t supporting me”… do you know what this brother said to me!?!

He said: “I see you with Dream, and I want to come running, but I don’t always know how to help you”.

LAWD!!!! Talk about a wake up call.

So my husband wasn’t ignoring me, or intentionally leaving me to fend for myself. He just wasn’t clear on how exactly I needed to be supported. 🤯 So simple, but I’d missed it, completely!

My disappointment, frustration and resentment had little to do with him and so much to do with me! I don’t like to admit it, but God got me all the way together.

I EXPECTED so much from my husband (in his daddy role) without actually COMMUNICATING specifically what I needed from him! Like idk why I didn’t see it before, but in what world does that even make sense…

Expecting someone to do something and they don’t even know what that *something* is… huh?!

Well, from this one exchange, I was reminded to stop assuming and to always communicate my needs. We both apologized to each other. We both noticed ways where we could have done things better to support each other. We’re both new to this whole parent thing, and we’re both growing and learning… the key is to always do it TOGETHER!

Ever since that moment, I have been working on the best ways to enlist the support I need from my husband. I am still learning and growing, but these following tips have changed the game, for both of us! I hope they help you as well!

5 steps to get the support you need from your husband

1. Check your expectations!

This is where it all started. I was frustrated, overwhelmed, and felt alone because I had expectations that I’d never communicated with my husband. Remember, we can’t expect someone to do something when they aren’t even aware of what that something is.

**2. Leave your assumption at the door. Men are NOT mind readers!**

As well as our husbands know us… they cannot ready out minds! I had to stop assuming that my husband would see me and just know what to do. I had to stop assuming that his “daddy intuition” made him a mind reader. Men can see our frustrations, they can even see that we need help, but that doesn’t mean they’ll just “get it” and know what do for you in that moment. I remember one time, I was literally struggling to get Dream into her bottoms, and my husband just sat there… I was fuming, but I didn’t say anything until our checkin later that morning. Come to find out, he was sitting close by waiting to see what I needed from him. He didn’t want to say anything, but he wanted me to know he was available. LAWD!!! Learned my lesson… now, when he’s around to help… I tell him EXACTLY what I need.

3. Ask for what you want/need and be specific!

Many men want to step up and show off for us, but they won’t be able to do that if they don’t know how. We have to tell them, and be extremely specific. I use “tell” pretty lightly, because it indeed works best when it is a partnership; but, the point still remains… we must communicate and be specific. Just saying, “Babe I don’t feel like you help/support me”… isn’t enough. You need to be clear about where and how you need to be supported. what exactly does that “support” look like to you? What exactly do you expect from your husband? Does he fully understand, and are those requests/expectations realistic?

4. Be okay with questions (LAWDDDD)

I’m still working on this, but I’m learning to be okay with my husband asking questions about what we’ve discussed. Listen, after deciding what he can do to support me and writing it down on the schedule… the last thing I would expect from him is, “what do you need me to do, again”😭😭😭. I’m learning to give my husband grace, in the same way I would want it for myself. We both have busy schedules, and sometimes we forget. Sometimes we need a reminder. We always need grace. It’s okay to ask questions. (PRAY FOR ME)!

5. Check in regularly!

My husband and I have what I call “D-Day” every week. This is baby-free time for us to discuss, decide & date. We discuss what’s working, what’s not working, and how we can support each other. It’s so important for us to check in regularly, because things change. Schedules change, babies and their needs change… WE CHANGE… so we both have to be flexible. For example, hubby and I had a whole schedule where we would rotate bedtime duties with our little lady. Over the past couple weeks, bedtime has changed drastically and I’m leaning in to my daughter’s needs in this season. With that change, I realized I’d been doing a lot more during bedtime, and would need my husband’s support in other areas. So during our weekly checkin, I was able to express how I was feeling, as well as provide a list of specific things my husband could do to support me, especially during the evenings when he used to be on bedtime duty. And he has been on it ever since!

Bonus tip: Make deposits & Empower your man!

Ask yourself are you supporting your husband? Are you giving him that same level of time, attention and care as you desire for yourself? Are you celebrating him, encourage him and let him know how well he’s doing supporting you and the family? Or do you find yourself only highlighting his mistakes, failures and how he’s disappointing you? Momma… pour into your husband! Build that man up! Stroke every inch of his ego… (no pun intended haha). Momma, I promise you… making deposits and empowering your husband will only do wonders for the future of how he supports you!

I want to be very clear. I’ve had some huge wins in how my husband supports me. And Although these steps are simple, this process takes work❤️❤️❤️. My husband and I have specifically been working on our in house “support strategy” for well over a year, and we still have work to do. We’ve had to address certain things for months before figuring out what worked best for us. We’ve also had to unlearn somethings, while growing. And guess what? With each step on this journey as parents, there will be new challenges to overcome, more things to discuss..possibly more babies to raise (😭). It takes time, and it is indeed a journey. So please approach with love, an open heart and a whole lot of grace. I promise you it will all be worth it!

xx,

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Stop Giving Your Husband Your “Leftovers” | A Lesson for the Married Mommas!

It was a Thursday evening, back in fall 2020. I’d just ended a Live Training for Mommy Stylists, while my husband took over all the evening/ night time duties with our 16 month old.

While putting away my tripod, laptop and equipment… my husband came downstairs hyped because he’d successfully put our little lady to sleep with minimal effort.

Y’all… the brother was READY to hang out.

But I was tired, and all I wanted to do was wind down and sleep.

You see this particular “Thursday” was “our day”. Before Dream was born, Thursday was our date day, and once Dream popped up on the scene, we decided it would become family day (unless we had someone to watch her, then of course we could date like old times).

But slowly and ever so surely… Thursday turned into my “work day”. 😬

It started off pretty innocently.

A quick call early in the morning before our day together started. Then a “quick” client from 7-10. But over time those “quick” work things started to become my norm, and I was working well into the time that was supposed to be just for us. I kinda noticed but hubby really noticed and was feeling some type of way.

I can’t recall exactly what happened on this day, but I do distinctly remember him saying…

“Why do I get your leftovers?”

He continued…

“You’re always so live and bubbly on Instagram and with your mom group, but how come I don’t get that same energy?”

Can you say “OUCH” 😭😭😭😭😭

Yall… I was hurt, angry and a bit overwhelmed by this truth dart. I tried to say “Babe, that’s because that’s just business, and I have an image to maintain”… but God wasn’t finna let me get away with that excuse!

My husband was 1,000% right…. and I knew it!

You see sometimes you don’t need to step away and pray for God to show you what you need to do… sometimes He allows you to see it right then and there and you have to decide what you’re gonna do.

So I turned to him and said “I’m so sorry”.

I’d been giving my all to so many things that season… my little lady (obvi), my clients, my image… all of it… but my husband… the love of my life… my boo bear… was getting my leftovers! And he felt it.

Although I don’t like that I allowed that to happen… I’m so grateful that:

1. He felt comfortable telling me how he felt, and was not afraid to question me and my motives (we need that sometimes)

2. That I was able to receive it and that God was able to work on my heart in the moment

Since then… I’ve made several changes…

1. I’ve intentionally put my marriage in it’s proper place. My marriage is strong, and it’s even stronger now with the challenges we overcome. I realized that my marriage is to be honored above all else, yes… above my career, serving in church…etc. If my house isn’ t in order (i.e. my marriage), then what am I really doing. Furthermore, if my hubby tried to give me his leftovers…. LAWD! No Bueno!

2. I honor the day we set aside for ourselves. I no longer work in any capacity on “our day”. If God called me to do it, then I trust that He will help me to align my life in such a way where I am able to show up in purpose, and honor my commitment to my husband and our spending time together. I’ve had to get really intentional about how I structure my week… oh and my “no” game is stronger than ever!

3. I schedule “our day” on the calendar. To show how much of a priority our time is together, I put pen to paper and schedule our time together every single week. And now that has transformed into what we call “D-Day” where we sit, discuss what’s working and how we can improve, make decisions for our lives and our family together… and we DATE!!!!

Now please don’t miss the message. There will be times when you need “a moment”. There are times when I truly don’t have “it” to give, and my hubby knows and respects that. He’s also been even more intentional about finding ways to support me when I have “one of those days”. However, if you’re constantly giving all of yourself to everyone else… your family, friends, clients… and your husband is lucky to get an ounce of time/love/affection… then I encourage you to check yourself.

That should not be the norm, momma.

Check your priorities. Are things in their proper place? Ask God to show you your blind spots. Ask God not only to open your eyes to see, but to open your heart to receive direction and correction. As wives we have to put pride aside… along with all the narratives that would tell us we’re always right and our husbands should bend to our will… and courageously do the work to make things right. Let’s stop giving our husbands our leftovers.

Your husband and your marriage are worthy of your first fruits!

Living & Learning!

xx,

Replay | Fierce 5 💍 LIVE CHAT w/ Lady Shante Baldwin

Hey ladies! In case you missed our final Fierce 5 Live Chat with Lady Shante Baldwin, the replay is posted below! YASSSSSS!!!! PRESS PLAY and get your entire life🔥🔥🔥! Be sure to like, comment, and share! Super excited for what’s in store next!

Love what you’re seeing? Don’t want to miss any other posts or videos? Well, be sure to LIKE, COMMENT, SHARE and SUBSCRIBE! Join in for more empowerment tips on how to live your best life; mind, business, & relationships. And be sure to connect with me on Instagram @Reese__Dennis♥️♥️

Week 5 | Fierce 5💍 Marriage Series | Lady Shante Baldwin

It’s week 5 of the Fierce 5💍 Marriage Series, and we’re ending the series with another BOMB feature!! Yaaaasssss! The super fly Lady Shante Baldwin, is dropping gems! Married for 14 years, check out what she has to say about respecting differences, affirming your spouse’s leadership, and how to embrace the “waiting room”.

1. How many years have you been married,

and what has being married for xx years taught you?

I have been married for 14 years, going on 15 in August. As I reflect on the last 14, one of the things it has taught me was to respect our differences. See we are different in many ways, He is an extrovert and I am an introvert. He’s out going and I’m laid back. Over the years I had to learn that our personalities are not the same. We were different in the way we walked, the way we talked, the way we moved etc. This brought on lots of disagreements. I like purple I like blue, it doesn’t take all that, it does take all that lol. Then finally it was an “aha” moment in my marriage where I recognized, I had to master my husband’s personality to understand why he does what he does, and thinks the way he thinks. I was stretched beyond my understanding. During the process, there were many ups and downs, heated fellowships and challenging moments, but love would win every time. Knowing your spouse’s personality is key. This will bring peace within the marriage and help you to understand your spouse more and more.

2. You are definitely a “woman of purpose” how have you navigated that space of being a help-mate for your husband, and a woman with a purpose/platform/ministry? What challenges have you had to overcome and how?

Navigating through being a helpmate to my Husband and a woman of purpose was challenging at times. At one point, I was working full time, taking care of the household, we had three children and the ministry. You can imagine lol. I was meeting with women in the ministry, preparing for women fellowships, and so much more. It became challenging and the load was heavy. I was confronted with needing to create balance that would not disrupt my home. I prayed and sought the Lord for wisdom. I knew that I was to be that proverbs 31 women. Having a true man of God makes all the difference, because we both knew we were called to be a Man and a Women of purpose, we had to come up with something that worked for us. We worked together, shared the tasks at hand, and split the responsibilities. We overcame by understanding each other’s unique identity, talents, calling etc. One of the things that my husband and myself would always say we were “married on purpose”.

3. What word of advice/wisdom do you have for the young wife who is struggling with “submission”?

The bible tells us to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord. Submission does not mean that a wife is inferior, less intelligent or less competent than her husband. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a voice or that he is controlling, it’s about trusting your husband to lead the family and aligning your heart with the vision of the marriage. It gives the wife the opportunity to affirm his leadership. As a new wife, you must allow your husband to lead in a way that he submits to the Lord, and you submit to him. It’s nothing wrong with you giving input, asking questions and helping. Submit in a way that he knows that you are his biggest cheerleader and got his back.

4. What about the singles who want to be married, and feel like they’ve been waiting FOREVER? What does it truly mean to “wait on God” as a single woman waiting to be found? Is it just a cliche?

What a great question. Waiting on God is not a cliché at all. I waited! Ladies be encouraged in the waiting room. It does not mean you sit around and wait for your mate. Waiting on the Lord truly means that you embrace this moment. Use this time to become:

A lady of reckless abandon, unlocking the treasures that are inside of you.

A lady of diligence being diligent with your relationship with the Lord.

A lady of virtue sharing high moral standards, not compromising in any way shape or form, but working on yourself.

Become a woman that is whole and let Him find you serving the Lord, emotionally healthy, and Spiritually sound. When he shows up, you will be ready, set and sound to receive who God has for you.

5. Anything else/advice/wisdom you feel led to share?

Ladies remember that there is not another you! Whatever your position is, whether you are married or single, show up well and Maximize Destiny Now!!!

Lady Shante Baldwin

Yasssss to all of the above! Love what you’re reading! Be sure to comment below and let us know your thoughts! We’re going LIVE for another Fierce 5 chat and changing this up a bit! So be sure to connect with me on Facebook so you don’t miss out!

And be sure to connect with me on Instagram, @reese__dennis, for a more wisdom from the Fierce 5💍 ! Can’t wait to hear from you!

Replay | Fierce 5 💍 LIVE CHAT w/ Tia Glenn

Hey ladies! In case you missed this week’s Fierce 5 Live Chat with Tia Glenn, the replay is posted below! We did things a little different this time around and went live on FB! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 Having just a few technical difficulties getting the actual video posted… So click the link below to view the full replay! Get your entire life🔥🔥🔥! Be sure to like, comment, and share! Super excited for this week’s feature!